From: KiwiTree@aol.com Date sent: Sat, 31 Jan 1998 14:31:49 EST Subject: Queequeg's Memoirs Title: Queequeg's Memoirs Author: Kiwi Tree Rating: PG Category: VH Spoilers: none Keywords: none Summary: If Queequeg could talk, what would he say? Or, more accurately, what obscenities would he use to describe Mulder? Disclaimer: All characters in this story belong to 1013, blah blah blah... "Rrrrgghhmmmm..." I whined, restlessly wiggling back and forth. Nobody bothered to look back at me or stop the car and let me out to release the equivalent of the Hoover Dam I was withholding, so I let out a good dozen high pitched yips. "YIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIPYIP YIP YIP YIPPPP!" Mulder looked back at me and looked ready to smack me out the window, so I resumed a pained whine. "Mmmrriigmgmm..." Scully turned her head and a look of pity came over her face. "Awww, poor Queequeg..." she said softly. 'Yes, finally, let me out of the car, I GOTTA PEE!' I thought, elated. "Here, Quee, have a dog treat." she said. I kicked the dog treat off the seat of the car in anger and growled. "Well, fine, if you're going to be that way, you just won't have any treats." She put the small box back in her pockets and faced front, saying something to Mulder. Mulder looked back at me from the driver's seat, called me a little Hell-Puppy, then said something to Scully about kennels. Scully glared at him and explained to him the evils of kennels. Then she looked back and called me a Sweetie-Pie. What I had yet to understand about people was how they could never think of just one name for anything. Mulder called Scully Scully, everyone else called her Dana, it appeared she wanted me to call her Mommy, and I had a feeling Mulder wasn't even Mulder's real name. Oh, and my own name, for another matter. Before I belonged to Scully I was a Fluffy, which posed several problems, such as there were over seven Fluffys in the apartment building and whenever one was called I'd run to it, only to find an angry woman and large Doberman Pincher waiting to punt my teensy, furry little Pomeranian body out a window. Then when Scully adopted me, she named me Queequeg, which of course eliminated the 'too common' problem. But it posed a whole new set of obstacles, such as for the first week or two, whenever I was at the park on a walk and a duck said "Quack-quack", I'd immediately get confused and would think it was calling my name. Scully, of course, interpreted this wrong and got me a rubber ducky to shred, which of course I shredded, but just an example of how thick-headed people can be. And then, on top of that, Scully had a million nicknames for me. 'Sweetie,' 'Sweetie-pie,' 'Honey', 'Quee-quee,' 'Squeakie,' 'Yipper,' 'Queeks,' and so on. And Mulder had probably even more names for me. 'Hell-Puppy,' 'Stupid Little Devil's Pomeranian', 'That Worthless Fluff-Brain,' and 'You Little &$%^#'. Although he usually reserved the last one for when Scully/Dana/Mommy wasn't around. Now, it probably would be easier to just take a characteristic of a person and use that as their name. I could probably call Scully/Dana/Mommy, 'Red-Hair', but I have red hair too and would have to call myself Red Hair, and then you, the reader, would get confused alot. So I just threw the whole concept of names out the window a long time ago and I guess you'll just have to deal! "YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP... YIP...YIP... YIP... YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP... YIP...YIP...YIP... YIP...YIP...YIP... YIP...YIP... YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP...YIP" "SHUT UP!!!!!!!!" Mulder bellowed. I fell backwards a bit, regained my balance, and shut up. Scully glared at Mulder and then reached back and patted me on the head. 'Oh for God's sake, let me out of the car!!!!!!' I begged silently. I reached up and pawed the window. Nobody noticed, so I tried biting, pawing, and scratching the door open button. 'Queequeg, stop it.' Scully said. Grrrrr...fine, so help me, if they're too dumb to figure this out, they'll just have to pay the consequences. I raised my right leg and.... "Hey Scully, what's that sound, it's kind of like..........YOU LITTLE !*&!@?" I whined and shied back to the corner of the car away from Mulder as he slammed on the brakes and took a swipe at me. "THAT LITTLE *$!!*(%!!!!!" "Mulder, God, settle down, it's just a little..." she glanced back at me, "Or, uhh, a fair amount of dog pee. We can clean it right up!" Mulder seemed on the verge of hyperventilating. I started to whine and tried to look innocent. Scully pulled some tissues from the compartment of the rental car and began to sop up the stuff. Well, that's what they got for not reading the signs and taking in the obvious evidence. And they call themselves IRS Agents! Er, wait, it was some three letter combination... Well, anyway, this was just a short reminder to all of you people out there to respect your dogs! I mean, say Scully actually paid enough attention to me, I could tell her about the three surveillance devices the Man Who Smoked Cigarettes (now THERE was a name that made sense!) had put in her apartment. And I could tell her how Mulder made fun of us when Scully wasn't around by saying I was well-suited for her because we were both short and had tiny feet. Uggh...that man desperately needed to take some classes at the animal shelters, he was much too short-tempered to deal with us dogs. "Damned little $@*!...." Mulder murmured as he gingerly took the sopping wet tissues from Scully and put them in the plastic trash bag hanging from the glove compartment. "Why couldn't you have just been a stupid cat?" Mulder snapped back at me. A cat?!?!? How dare he compare me to those hissy little crackpots? Hrmph! I decided it was time to bark some more. "YIP...YIP...YIP..YIP...... Like it? Kind of short and dumb, I know, but if you have any suggestion, tell me at KiwiTree@aol.com cause I thrive on feedback!!!!!!!! Oh, and read my other stories!