From: CC Decker Subject: sub: The Celine Series - "Only One Road" Title: The Celine Series - "Only One Road" Author: CC Decker Feedback: Oh, god, please . . . I write these stories for you, the public, and if you've read it, please be kind enough to at least let me know! Please, please, please! This isn't a drama, it's a comedy piece, and I want to know if I made you laugh. I want to be a sitcom writer, and I need to know if other people think I'm funny! If it brought a smile to your face, please email me! Category: TH Rated: PG-13 Summary: What *really* happened to Queequeg after that supposed alligator attack, straight from the poor pup's mouth . . . Time span/ Spoilers: Well, 'Quagmire', obviously, and other third season stories. Keywords: Queequeg, Quagmire, humor Only One Road There is only one road I'm walkin' Only one lifetime, one heart to guide me Only one road I'm walkin' But I'm gonna run back, I'm gonna run back 'Cause I need you right here beside me "Only One Road," Celine Dion Vancouver, Canada Hello there! No, no, I'm not new to the area, I'm just passing through. You smell like a nice fellow. You mind if I stay a while here? The vent right there is blowing nice, warm air, and I'm very cold. No, I'm not lost. I'm missing my human, but it wasn't my fault. You want to hear about it? It doesn't look like your Master is going to come out tonight, and the night will be long. Okay, I'm glad. Why thank you! Your bed is so very nice and warm. You're a very generous fellow. But I suppose you want me to just get on with my story of how I came to be here. Let me tell you: Being the best friend of a government agent is no easy job. That's not a complaint, just a statement of fact. I loved Mistress Scully. And I think she loved me. It's sort of hard to tell. I wasn't with her that long. When it all comes down to it, I blame the man in her life. I'm not sure if he was her mate, or one of those poor, odd fellows that just doesn't seem to act on his "natural urges" (you know, he got the . . . snip, snip . . . ), but he didn't like me a bit. And if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't have been taken from Mistress Scully. I miss her a lot. But I'm ahead of myself. It all started on a grey, dark morning. Mistress Scully woke up early, to a phone call, then started rushing about. I could tell that the voice inside the phone was that Mulder guy, but how he managed to get himself into her phone was beyond me. I made a note to check it out later, and followed Mistress Scully through her house as she shoved various items into her bags. "I can't believe him," she said to me, leaning over to tousle up my fur. "How on earth could he expect me to be ready in five minutes?" I growled my agreement. "Well, in any case, I suppose you're going with me, little guy." She hastily picked me up, threw a bag over her shoulder, and grabbed her keys, glancing out the window as Mulder pulled up in the car. I squirmed delightedly in her arms as she carried out my pet box in her other arm. I love car trips. There's nothing like the wind whipping tears in your eyes as the smells assault your senses. But on the other hand, we could be going to the Evil Man who prodded me, cranked open my mouth to look at my teeth, and poked a long, sharp thing into me. But Mistress Scully didn't seem nervous or secretive, so I decided this must be a pleasure trip. The first thing Mulder did when he saw me tucked under Mistress Scully's arm was roll his eyes. I lifted my teeth at him, to show him who was boss, but he ignored my signals as he gestured to Mistress Scully to put me in the backseat. "Saturday morning, Mulder," she said, irritation dripping in her voice. I danced around on the back seat, trying to express how angry I was at having my play day with Mistress Scully ruined. Yet again, however, he didn't pay any attention to me. I have to admit, it's really hard for me to see what Mistress Scully sees in him. One bite from me in a real fight and he'd be over on his belly with his neck exposed before I could wag my tail. "Well, we'll be at the airport with plenty of time to spare. Isn't it going to cost a whole lot extra to bring him?" Mulder gestured over his shoulder at me, and I snarled again. "Not really." Mulder shrugged. "I guess it doesn't matter. Uncle Sam foots the bills." ************************** Let me tell you . . . you have to be careful when traveling with your master. No sooner had we arrived at our destination did I find myself shoved into the Pet Taxi, given to a strange man, hauled out to this giant steel bird, and put in its belly. For two hours I trembled against the sides of my box, wondering if I'd ever see the sun, and my Mistress Scully, again. It was horrible, awful, and I hope no pet ever needs to go through that nightmarish experience. When I saw Mistress Scully again, after the man came to get me out of the steel bird's belly, I nearly shook myself apart with happiness. Then, when we got back in a different car, I began to wonder what the point of it the steel bird was. Why didn't we just stay in the car? Anyway, we had been in the new car, which smelled of aging businessmen, for several hours before I found it necessary to relate to Mistress Scully my 'needs'. As I danced around in the back seat, whining, they both glanced at me, and Mistress Scully turned to Mulder, who was driving. "Nature's calling. I think we should pull over soon." Mulder glanced at Mistress Scully, then pulled his eyes back to the road. "Did you really have to bring that thing?" Mistress Scully paused for a moment before answering him. "You wake me up on a Saturday morning, tell me to be ready in five minutes, my mother is out of town, all of the dog sitters are booked, and you know how I feel about kennels. So, unless you want to lose your security deposit on the car, I suggest we pull over." Damn straight, I thought. "Ah, well, I think I'm lost anyway. I gotta stop and ask for directions." Mistress Scully looked down at her hands as Mulder looked at her. "Well, I know I'm lost as to why you're so interested in this missing persons' case." "Dr. Bearly works for the US Forestry Service. That makes his disappearance a federal case." "It's not jurisdiction I'm questioning, Mulder." At that point, I began to tune them out. I really had to go, and it was taking all of my self control to hold it. I didn't care if I made that Mulder guy mad, but if I went on the leather seats, I knew Mistress Scully would call me a BAD DOG, and there's nothing I hate more than that. It was raining when they finally let me out of the car, and Mistress Scully walked me over to a bench by a shop with a giant dinosaur balloon above it. All the sights and smells of the new place were interesting, so I didn't mind at all when they went inside, and left me tied by my leash to the bench. And I didn't mind when they came back out, and took me to the hotel. I had a nice cushy pillow to sleep on, and the next morning was a real treat. The first thing I got to do was wake up with Mistress Scully bright and early and go for a long walk. Of course, by the time we got to our destination, that Mulder guy was there too, along with a lot of other men, including the Sheriff of the area. Men in power smell like something . . . you can just tell immediately. Which always made me wonder about that Mulder guy, 'cause he only smelled like sunflower seeds. But I digress. As I bounded down the path ahead of Mistress Scully, I wondered why Mulder and the other guys were hunched over a track of a human wearing rubber feet. Oh, you know what I mean. Why, thank you, I'd love to have some of your kibble. You are a very generous fellow. Yes, rubber feet. They left these weird little tracks. I know, humans can be weird like that. Who cares about rubber feet? What was so interesting about that? So I wandered off, sniffing around, and whadaya know . . . I, the loyal pup, was able to help my mistress out where no one else could. As I was wandering, I picked up the scent from the tracks. I tried to alert Mistress Scully, but she just went back to talking to that Mulder guy. For her own good, I jerked on the leash, ripping it out of her hand. "Queequeg, come back here! Queequeg!" I dashed over the logs, through the ferns, and proudly sniffed the boot. When she showed up close on my heels, she seemed grimly satisfied. "Mulder, Sheriff, come take a look at this." As they clambered over the logs, I continued to investigate. "There's your lake monster, Mulder," she said as he moved forward. When I was certain there was no danger, I relaxed, and let the Mulder guy come over to look. Hey, I might not like him, but he's part of Mistress Scully's pack, and I have to live with him. "That's what it looks like," he said. "It's all a hoax," Mistress Scully said as Mulder hunkered down. I wagged my tail with pride, then kept sniffing at the boot. Something was wrong. "Well, I'll be damned." That was the brilliant comment of the Sheriff. He seemed nice enough, but I didn't pay much attention to him. Mulder squatted over the boot for a moment, running his finger along the edge. When it came back with a stain of blood on it, he turned back to Mistress Scully and the Sheriff. "But where's the hoaxer?" ************************* You'd think that the Big Guy in the sky would have given me some neat memories of Mistress Scully before I was taken away, but actually, the day was pretty dull. The first thing Mulder did was convince Mistress Scully that I had to go back to the hotel. I was insanely bored, all by myself. So I chewed on Mulder's new leather shoes for a while, then got to work on his socks. By the time they came home that evening, I had worked my way through two of his shoes, three socks, the handle of his suitcase and his belt. I considered anything on the floor my territory. Anyway, when they got home, Mistress Scully didn't go through her normal Sunday evening routine. Instead of getting a nice warm blanket, ice cream, and curling up on the couch with me to watch Fox's Sunday night line-up, she was talking with Mulder and looking at pictures. She seemed irritated with him, which was nice, for a chance. I'm always glad when Mistress Scully, god bless her heart, sees the error of her ways regarding Mulder. When staring at the pictures had gone on long enough, I barked from the door. I really wanted her to at least play with me outside, for just a little while. I was thrilled when she finally came over to me with the leash and put it on, so I could go outside. I was even more thrilled when that Mulder guy didn't come. It was nice to be standing alone with her in the dark, sniffing at all of the interesting smells while she waited for me. I was disappointed she didn't want to play, but just getting out with her was enough. Then, things started to go wrong. I smelled a BAD SMELL in the woods. It was very light, at first, but it started getting heavier, which meant that whatever was carrying the BAD SMELL was getting closer to me, and to Mistress Scully. "Come on, Queequeg," she said, jiggling the leash. I stared into the woods, then did my best to convey the impending doom that was heading at us. But Mistress Scully wouldn't retreat, and I couldn't let the BAD SMELL get between me and her. Bravely I stayed in front of her, barking mightily to frighten the BAD SMELL off. "Queequeg, we're not going to go into the woods." No kidding, I thought. Sometimes I wonder how humans manage to stay alive without us around to protect them. I kept protecting my Mistress, even as she tugged on my leash. "Come on, do your business, I thought you had to go." The BAD SMELL was getting closer, and I was starting to become terrified. I began to leap off of the ground on all fours, bounding back and forth in front of Mistress Scully, growling and letting the BAD SMELL know that I would protect her at all costs. It didn't seem to care. "Queequeg!" She was starting to sound annoyed, but, just as she said my name, she looked into the woods, either sensing or smelling the BAD SMELL. "What is it?" She asked, using her flashlight to scan the woods, but it didn't show anything in the weak beam. Then, the BAD SMELL got too close. I was terrified that it would get her. I had to act. Any good, brave, loyal dog would have. I ripped free of her hand with almost superdog strength, and dashed into the woods. I would save Mistress Scully from the BAD SMELL. I could only hope that she would be wise enough to stay back and let me fight for her. "Huh? Queequeg, where are you going?" She began to dash after me, but I didn't want to turn my back on the BAD SMELL to explain to her that she had to go back. Humans aren't always that bright, god bless them. "Queequeg? Queeequeg, come back here! Queequeg?!" I dashed deeper into the woods, determined to get the BAD SMELL before it got Mistress Scully. She kept running after me, calling my name, and, just as I rounded the bush, the BAD SMELLING THING attacked. I gave a yip of surprise as the slim, grey fingers slipped over my body, then lifted me to cradle me beneath the almost human arms. I couldn't believe it. I was being dognapped! I struggled furiously, but the BAD SMELLING slim grey thing was very strong. Mistress Scully continued to call out my name, even as my collar was deftly slipped over my head, and as my mouth was clamped shut. Utter terror in my heart, I could only hear her cries as the strange beings carried me away. ************************* I found out later that the grey people had dashed through the woods before Mistress Scully could find me. When we got away from her, they didn't smell bad anymore, just weird, like baby powder mixed with copper. The BAD SMELL had apparently been produced to lure me away from Agent Scully. I wasn't really all that surprised when we walked through the woods for a while before the grey people stopped. There was a bright light over our heads, and suddenly, I was flying up in the air, at the light. This is it, I thought to myself. The big doggie park in the sky. I was sad about leaving Mistress Scully behind, but I was glad that I had earned my doggie wings. I guessed that nobody up there blamed me for the . . . problem I had with my first Mistress. Needless to say, I was not thrilled when I found myself on the metal floor of some sort of craft. There was a soft whir around me, and I could feel the ship begin to move upwards, and as it did, I felt myself become strangely light. I began floating through the air. It was really not a nice sensation, especially when one of the little grey people floated at me. He regarded me with huge, black eyes, and I knew he wasn't human. His smell was off, his head was too big for his body, and there was something wrong with him that I couldn't place. I was terrified. I was just an innocent dog, and already there had been great tragedy in my life. I tried to float away from the grey creature as he floated at me, but he caught me by the leg and dragged me to him, examining my fur, my eyes, my teeth. I wanted to bite him, but I didn't know what he would do, so I just waited silently. He clicked at me a couple of times with a weird sound, and kept pointing to me. I finally figured it out. "Woof," I said. He looked delighted, and as he slowly drifted through the air with me, we started to come back down to the floor. I was relieved, until I ended up on a table very much like the one in the Evil Man's office. As my paws were clamped to the table, I began to wonder at my luck. First, my first Mistress dies and I have to eat her to preserve my life. Then, I meet a wonderful new Mistress, but she has an irritating dude in her life. Then, I get stolen from her, and a bunch of little vets were going to examine me. I was not a happy camper. The first thing they did was lift up my tail. I won't even go into what they did. I was too gross. Just let me warn you. If you ever see those little grey dudes, keep your tail between your legs. Then, they prodded me, and did all sorts of horrible stuff even the Evil Man didn't do. My eyes were held open as they shined painful light in it, my tongue was burned, my fur was pulled, and they put weird sludge up my nose. But that wasn't all. Eventually they laid me on my back, and cut my stomach open. I couldn't feel anything, but I still wasn't happy when they examined all of my insides, then put a little metal piece in me. I still don't know who those little dudes were, but they were not very nice. When they were done, one of them put a bag over my face, and I fell asleep. Things unfortunately continued like this for several days. The grey guys didn't hurt me anymore, but they did pull at my fur, and examine my eyes more. I was beginning to wonder what they could possibly want with me. I was just a dog. A beautiful, brave, noble dog, a dog that was a shining example of the perfection of dogginess to all dogs everywhere, but I was still just a dog. The little vets never seemed to let up. When they weren't poking and prodding me, they were putting me in another floating chamber with a whole bunch of human children. It was the weirdest thing. One little girl named Samantha who floated at me smelled a lot like Mulder, but much nicer. In fact, she was my favorite child in the bunch of twenty or so. I liked to drift around the chamber with her dark hair swirling about me. It was fun. I decided that if I would never see Mistress Scully again, this girl could be my next Mistress. I began to think of her as Mistress Samantha. And then, guess what happened. Right when I was actually starting to get used to floating around with the little grey vets, they pulled me into the examination room for the last time. I had a feeling I was never going to see them again, because they kept stroking my fur and clicking sadly. It was the nicest they had been to me the entire time. Even though I had made friends with Samantha, I couldn't wait to see my Mistress Scully again. I really love her a lot. I looked forward to going to the park with her, to fetching the small ball she had bought me to throw. Sure, it was a stupid game, but it was fun. But most of all, I looked forward to that special time each night when I would sneak out of my doggie bed, and leap on the foot of her bed, and snooze on her feet to keep them warm all night. Of course, every morning she would scold me, and I would hang my head, but I'd do it again the next night. I really loved living with her, and couldn't wait to return. So you can imagine my shock and dismay when the little vets stroked me for the last time, put a slender chain around my neck, lowered me through the blinding light, and into a weird, unknown forest. No! They were supposed to drop me off with Mistress Scully! I had to take care of her! I tried to float back up, but the light gently deposited me on the forest floor, then turned off abruptly as the huge, disc-like thing floated upwards. I barked and danced around, but they didn't come back. Oh, how I miss my Mistress Scully. Let me tell you - that Lassie-come-home stuff is bullshit. Most dogs would sooner kill their masters and go joyriding in their car than journey across the country to find them. And another thing - all of this misinformation about dogs being able to sense their way home is just that, misinformation. When those little vets dropped me off, I had no idea how I'd find Mistress Scully. I was very unhappy. I wandered around for a long time, and my long, beautiful fur became matted and ugly. I had to learn how to hunt rabbits that were almost as big as I was. A wolf pack generously offered to let me run with them, but I politely declined. I had no idea where I was going, but I started going there anyway. I knew if I wandered long enough, Mistress Scully would find me. All that happened two years ago, and I still haven't seen my Mistress Scully. A sad story, isn't it? I know, I know. Too bad for me, but it could never happen to you? Don't be too sure about that, buddy. At any time those mean little vets could come and take you away from your family. You'd think that with all their powers they could have found Mistress Scully for me again, but no. It was like there was some god up there who was controlling my fate, who wanted me dead. It was like the whole episode was dreamed up expressly for getting me out of the picture. Don't think it's not possible. Maybe we're all being controlled by cruel gods who have nothing better to do than make our lives miserable. But I'm getting depressing, aren't I? Thank you very much for letting me stay on your bed for the night, and for sharing your bone. It was very decent of you. I wish you the best. Oh, isn't that sweet. Thank you, very much. I hope I find her too. I know someday I will. My road back may be long, twisted, and hard, but I'll find her, someday. I have to. She's my Mistress Scully. The End Author's Note: Okay, I know it's a little odd - it's not the usual stuff I write, and Queequeg isn't generally a feature guest on the show, but I'm wondering how you folks like it! It's just something I whipped up one afternoon for your amusement! Please tell me what you think at