Date: 24 Aug 1998 15:34:21 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: ANIMA FILES: E IS FOR EVANGELIZER by Megan XFilr Humor TITLE: ANIMA-FILES: E IS FOR EVANGELIZER AUTHOR: Megan XFilr Rating: PG-13 general implicits Archive: Gossamer and everyone else (lemme know though when u do!) Classification: SH, VH (if this is not possible let me know) Spoilers: General Summary: 5th attempt for Mulder to find a pet. This one is one mess of an animal...and they BOTh get pissed off. A must if you ever saw a Guinea Pig Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully aint mine! Callista Johnson, Evangelizer the Guinea Pig, the local Pet Land Discounts, etc are property of me though and cannot be used without written consent by the author. Evangelizer was sold on 3/2/98 because of his hissing tendencies ..he is an actually white crested guinea pig. AUTHORS NOTE: To understand everything, read the rest of my stories before this because some inside jokes are just that. A IS FOR ARMAGEDDON B IS FOR BALBOA C IS FOR CANDYCE D IS FOR DARTH ok? And see my site http://members.xoom.com/xfiles718/official.html to see the whole deal..it will be functioning by school day (sept 9th) ok? Enjoy! E is for Evangelizer by Megan XFilr "Guinea Pigs?" Mulder shrugged innocently. "Definitely safer than a boa, dont ya think, Scully?" Scully gave him another look. "But Mulder, you are not a guinea pig person." "I am not a hamster person either by your standards. Or a snake, or a bird, or a cat by that matter." "You can try the guinea pig, Mulder. I am not stopping you." "Good, so look it up." Scully hit him with *another* look. "It's your rodent Mulder. *You* look it up." Mulder sighed and turned to his computer. He typed in his password on the Microsoft Internet Explorer Sign-on and heard the modem do it's solo. Once connected, he browsed a couple of sites. The American Rabbit and Cavy Breeders Association, the Cavy Breeders of America and The United Kingdom Cavy Caprade all had good information. HE found out that a) guinea pigs are called Cavies and b)that they are *not* bright. Mulder did not care. It was a pet, after all. He relayed his 2 new facts to Scully. Her responses were a) no duh Mulder and b) as long as they are smarter than you. Scully found the last statement particularly funy. Mulder sat down to another file, about some mass suicide and decided to skip lunch for a trip down to Petland Discounts. 0 ·0 0 0 0 0 ·0 0 0 ·0 0 ·0 XXX0 : 0 0 0 0 . . . . . . . . . : 0 :XXX Once the clock hit noon, Mulder jumped from his seat. Honestly, the cases he looked through were boring and had no x in store for them. "Scully?" "Mmm?" Scully had found a decent book and was reading it. "Wanna go down the block? You know, to that place we love!" Scully looked up. "IF you are referring to the pet shop, no." Mulder gave her a puppy face while singing "Pet land Discounts! For the best care a pet can get!" Scully shook her head. "If ya dont use advantage scratch your ears! If ya dont use advantage scratch your ears! If you dont use advantage and you really, really inch-age tell your owner that is what you need!" Mulder sang to the tune of If You're Happy and You Know It. Scully shook her head again. "Go put some Friskies in ya cat! Bring it on now! Cat! Best food on now! Go put some Frisky in your cat!" Scully got up. "If you insist on singing all the annoying pet jingles of this decade from television to get me to go to the Petshop...." Mulder smiled so innocently and sugar-filled that Scully could feel that sweetness on her tongue. "...It convinced me." Scully got up, grabbed her coat from around her chair and started from her door. Mulder was closer and he grabbed the door and held it for her. "SO, is my voice improving?" "Soon you'll be singing in heaven, "Scully said. "That good?" Mulder was beaming. "More like if someone doesn't kill you for singing," Scully said with a smile. "I dont know why I put up with you." "Because im your partner and I save your ass every other day?" "It's a factor." Scully slapped Mulder on his arm. Mulder mocked pain. Scully jammed her elbow into his ribs. Mulder didn't need to mock the pain then. XXXO :0 : 0 :0 :0 :0 : 0 : 0 :0 :0 : 0 :0 :0 :0 : 0 : 0 :0 :0 0 Scully used the automatic door as Mulder followed. Petland Discounts smelled unusually.. clean. The smell of dogs and cats and dog food and kitty litter and the general smell of animals did not waft around. The floor was matiscully mopped and all the feed bags were where they were supposed to be. "Hello Ms. Scully! Hello Mista Mulder!" Callista Johnson called from the back of the store. Coming towards the front, she was wearing the standard uniform of a black polo shirt with purple collar and lining and black tight pants. Her hair was up in a french twist. She was wearing small tortoise shell glasses and carried a broom in one hand. "How can I help you guys today?" Scully spoke up. "How's business with guinea pigs?" Callista looked confused. "Fine, I guess. Most of the albino cavies went to the research lab yesterday. I refused to sell them for research but my manager forced me. We have a couple of peruvians and a few white crested. Why? Oh, you want a cavy?" Mulder nodded. Callista smiled and beckoned towards the front of the store. "Behind you is the window display of cavies." Mulder turned around and saw a pink box facing the windows. Peering inside, he saw about 4 guinea pigs. 2 had an Elvis thing going.. their hair around in circles and spikey. 1 had very long brown hair and the other was a orange one with a white dot on its head. As Scully peered, Callista rattled off what they were; "The abynissians are both male, as well as the white crested and the peruvian is a female." "What about the little elvis 's over there?" "The abynissians? Both male but I think they are, yep they're sold." Mulder nodded sadly. "SO what do you think, Scully? Male or female?" Scully shrugged."Go with male." Mulder smiled. "Can I see that orange one?" Callista bent over him and picked up with orange critter with her right hand. "It a white crested because of that white dot on its head. It's name is Evangelizer." She handed the little animal to Mulder, who cuddled it instantly. "She comes with a cage and a months worth of feed for $50 dollars." Mulder looked to Scully who smiled. "Alright, we'll take him." XXXO :0 :0 :0 : :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 XXX Once they got the animal down to the car with it's super-neato-keano-awesome-labratory-pet cage with all its accessories, Mulder said to Scully, "Was that too hard?" Scully shook her head as she fastened her seat-belt. "It's next 4 hours that I am going to find difficult." As Mulder drove to the office, he hoped that this animal would last. I mean, what can a guinea pig to piss him or Scully off? XXX0 : 0 : 0 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 0 : 0 : 0 : 0 :XXX Mulder set up the cage at the office. The room smelled like sawdust and there were little shavings everywhere. The cavy was quite content though. It ate a little, drank from its little water bottle and burrowed in it's dust. Mulder leaned back and smiled as he signed a few papers. This may actually work out. **************2 hours later**************** As Scully was reviewing an expense report from last month, she heard a very interesting noise. "AIEEEEAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" It shocked her and Scully asked Mulder, "Are you watching Xena: Warrior Princess now?" Mulder shook his head. He had heard the sound as well. "AlEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" THere is was agian. Mulder turned to his cavy. He approached the cage and leaned into it. "AlEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mulder ears hurt like mad after that incident. His Evangelizer was shrieking his ears off! "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Mulder do something!" "I cant do any-" "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEI" "-thing! "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" MUlder take it out of uits cage, maybe it's scared?" "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "Uh-uh. I cant do it. You do it Scully!" "AlE!" "No Mulder. It's *your* animal." "Argh Scully it might bi--" "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" "-te me. Scully looked very annoyed. *Very* very annoyed. "Do something or I am going to shoot it!" Mulder just stood there. Scully pulled out her pistol and took off the safety. Mulder didn't know what to do. Scully leveled the gun. Mulder reached into the cage and grabbed the screaming cavy. It started biting him. He was dancing around the room, the mad hamster nibbling at everything. Mulder finally dropped the critter and it ran off into the abyss of the room. "Damn!" Mulder cried. Scully put her gun back in its holster. "I have enough of this Mulder. Let's return the cage and wait till tomorrow. Maybe we can catch her then." Mulder nodded solemnly. "Scully, do you think I'm fit to be a pet-person?" Scully nodded as she sympathetically placed her hand on his shoulder. "You just have to find the right pet." As Mulder took the cage and headed out the door, "Maybe you're right. Mayve I should take it easy. Maybe I should OOOOOOOOOOOH!" Mulder dropped the cage on Scully as Evangelizer bit Mulder hard on his ankle. Mulder tried to scramble after the rodent but was too slow. Mulder was limping; Scully was limping and the duo could both swear, as they closed the door, they could hear tiny laughing from inside the office. XXX0 :0 0 : 0 0 0 : 0 :0 :0 :0 : 0 :0 :0 :0 : :0 :0 :0 : 0 : 0 XXX You brought a what home? A guinea pig. A what? A cavy. A what? You know, the cute things that I always laugh at at the petstore? Ohh those are pigs? --between Mr. Huntsfield and his son Fox Jr. The End! 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