Date: 24 Aug 1998 13:48:31 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: ANIMA-FILES: D IS FOR DARTH by Megan XFilr HUMOUR TITLE: ANIMA-FILES: D IS FOR DARTH AUTHOR: Megan XFilr Rating; PG-13 for a little scattered cursing Archive: Gossamer and everyone else is AOK Classify: SH, VH ...if this cant be let me know!!! Spoilers: General, up to 6th season Summary: 4th in a series of Mulder attempting to find a pet. But this one is a little harder to care for than he bargained for...and Scully gotta save his skin this time! AUTHOR's NOTES: This is dedicated to my snake Darth Vader who died last month due ot excessive heat here in NYC. I know, I changed the name of the story..i said something else. So sue me Dedicated to my hamster Armageddon who started the series (she will be 4 in 2 months!) And my birthday is sept 7th....letting everyone know! Now..on with da show! D is for Darth by Megan XFilr Scully was practically yelling at Mulder. "NONONONO! YOU ARE *NOT* GETTING A SNAKE AND THAT IS FINAL!" Mulder tried to reason with her. "Scully, I had a garter snake when I was kid. They dont bite." He tried to console her. "Knowing YOU Mulder, you'll buy a cobra or a water moccasin!" "I '11 promise I'll buy something that's safe." "Fine, but I am not setting foot inside your house." "Why not?" Mulder was very serious. Scully sighed. "You have a photographic memory but it's damn short spanned. Snakes, Mulder." Mulder said, "What is so wrong with a snake." Scully mumbled something under her nose. Mulder leaned in. "What?" "I"M AFRAID OF SNAKES!" Scully yelled 2 inches from Mulder's ear. Mulder cringed. "Yeesh, Scully. Ya didn't have to burst my eardrum! And since when were you afraid of snakes?" "After I picked one up when I was 4 and thought it was a shoelace and attempted to tie it in a bow," Scully stated matter of-factly. Mulder did recall Maggie Scully telling him once that Dana was afraid of snakes. But that was around the time of Scully's reappearance after her abduction. He didn't remember anything clearly then. "Fine, Scully. *I'll* buy the snake. *1 will choose it* Okay?" Scully nodded. "But you are feeding it and I don't care if you leave it in Antarctica for 3 weeks, I am not coming within a 3 mile radius of that reptile." Mulder nodded, grabbed his coat and went to the Petshop, leaving Scully to realize that a) she had to cover for him again and b) He had ditched her. But this time, honestly, she didn't care. XXX: 0 : : 0 0 : : 0 0 0 : 0 : 0 0 0 :00 0 : 0: 0: 0::0 0: 0: 0: XXX Petland Discounts was becoming a daily regime for Mulder. He was close, though, to remembering where everything was. As he opened the door, the familiar bells announcing a customer filled the doorway. HE didn't like the automatic doors; too risky. He approached the counter. Luckily, Jason a.k.a. Nimrod, was not there. Instead was a young girl...and Mulder smiled. "Hey Mr. Mulder!" Callista Johnson was wearing the uniform of a black polo tee with purple lining and collars and tight black pants. Her hair was in 2 country braids tied with ribbons with tiny bones on them. "Hello, Callista." "Hey, I heard about Candyce. Wow...she never reacts that weird. I think it's because she lived there before; Mr. Blevin's also kept her in his office. Where's Ms. Scully?" Mulder smiled. "On this try, Scully is not going to assist me. Callista laughed. "Let me guess, it's either a snake, a lizard or a spider?" Mulder smiled. "Snake." Callista grinned even wider. "Well, I'm not department. Never really bred snakes before. I mean, I *could* help you but there is someone that is a real Jack Hanna on the subject." Callista pressed the intercom button on the desk. "Butch to reptile, Butch to reptile." "GO to the reptile center, its to the front of the rodent palace." Mulder smiled a thanks and walked to the back of the store. He knew one thing; with a name like Butch he was happy to have the name Fox. XXX: 0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 XXX When~he got to the abode of glass windows inside a faux wood frame, he noticed .... ...Hell standing before him. *Butch* was at least seven feet tall and weighed about 300 pounds of pure muscle. He had no hair and a goatee. His eyes looked like they could kill people from behind, although in a staring contest he was sure his Scully would win. Butch was wearing the uniform that Callista was wearing and brought new meaning to the term "hole" The sleeves were torn in jagged ridges and the collar had been torn off by what appeared to be a pitbull of some sort. Mulder spoke. "I would like to buy a snake." Butch nodded. "What type?" His voice sounded like Sylvester Stallone's through a harmonizer. "I dont know...something exotic." Butch nodded. HE turned around and pointed with a grubby finger that was the size of a twix bar. "Cobra." He moved the hand 2 glass panes down. "Boa." Mulder thought about it. Scully had specifically stated not to get a cobra. Knowing his carelessness, he would be dead. *Again * But Scully hadn't said a thing in the office about a boa. "Are boa's safe?" Butch nodded. "All youse gotta do is feed them a mouse a day or a couple 0' cockroaches and you got a friendly pet." Mulder nodded. "I'll take him." Butch nodded again. "Just remember not to put him on the floor. If he sees you move, he'll wrap around you and squeeze you to death and pop you like an over-ripe tomato." Mulder nodded. Butch leaned over to his speaker. "Callista, snake pack. Callista, snake pack." Mulder noticed a tattoo that read SNAKES KILL on his hand. Callista came to the back with a box. "Ok Butch I got it from here. Butch nodded and went to the back. As Callista put the snake expertly into a box, she said, "Jason is on vacation and I'm filling for him. He's going to get fired anyway though so I'm learning all procedures." Mulder smiled and said, "I think you know them better than most people who work here." Callista nodded. "Here's the snake." Mulder took the box and handed Callista a hundred. "He's 99 right?" Callista nodded yet again. "You get to pick out a cage." Mulder shrugged. "Pick one out for me." Callista reached for the bigger box. "Darth's a boa so you might need this big one. DO you have mice or cockroaches to feed it?" Mulder smiled as he said, "I live in a rent-controlled apartment." Callista laughed. "Good enough." Mulder took the box outside with him. During the car ride, he was sure he knew what Scully was going to say when she saw Darth. "Darth man, I predict the first words out of Scully's mouth are 'are you insane?" XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 ~: 0:0_XXX "ARE YOU INS~NE?" Scully voice echoed around the office. Mulder tried to calm his partner down. "It's just a boa." "Mulder, did you know that they can kill an elephant? AN elephant Mulder. No offense, but you are no comparison. In a negative sense that it." Mulder smiled. "The guy assured me as long as it's fed it's safe." "Who said that, Nimrod on Angel Dust?" "No, the snake guy Butch." Scully looked heavenward. "You can barely feed yourself Mulder. It takes my mom to make you eat a decent meal and you bought a pet that for you *safety* relies on your feeding procedure?" Mulder nodded. "Your point?" Scully gave him *the* look. "What do you want on you grave Mulder because one of you feet has claimed a spot?" Mulder smirked. "I'll be fine. I'm going home to set up the snake tank and stuff. I'll be in tomorrow." With that , he left a fuming Scully to cover for him. Besides, he saw that same Discovery channel thing on boas. But that was in the wild. Right? XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 : XXX IT~had taken Mulder 20 minutes to set up the tank and~3 hours to put the snake inside it. He was damn scared of that snake. 4 times he was about to call Scully and ask for help but he knew what she would say. And he *hated* when she said "I told you so." Finally, he slipped the boa into the tank and sat down on his couch. From there, he could see all aspects of the tank: a necessity when it came to waking up in the middle of the night. With the boa safe, he started the search of his apartment. Scanning the corners of his little living room, he spotted a roach. In most cases, he would not care. Most of the time he did not know why they were there; there was no food in the house and he didn't spend enough time in it for it to be dirty. Mulder gave a little sprint for it and was able to catch it. Disgusted, he dropped it. Instead, he went to the kitchen and got a glass off the table. He went looking again. 10 minutes later, he had 3 cockroaches in his glass. "Oh, Bambi," he slightly nostaglized. He opened the glass from the cover of his hand into the tank. The cockroaches jumped in. Mulder sat down on his couch but had no interest in the consumption of insects. About 5 minutes later, he heard a series of 3 crunches. When he looked again, the snake had 3 bulges down his scaled body. Mulder sighed a breath of relief...he had no interest in having to spoon feed a boa it's meal. Technically, he had no interest in the snake. Then why did he buy it? Mostly to scare Scully; to see if she actually cared ; to see if he could melt that cool exterior; to see if he was scared himself. Sometimes his self conscious was smarter than he was. Mulder reached for his remote. A little T . V., maybe. DArth would have to get used to it. It's going to be on a lot. Mulder depressed the power button. "Next, on 'When Animals Attack!', we are going to show you a family pet gone wild!' Unlucky suckers, Mulder thought. "--A family of 6 consumed an eaten whole by their friendly boa constrictor Vader. After these commeric "5 Mulder changed the channel. They probably never fed their boa. "Our top story, Klenjin the snake was finally drained out of the sewer system here in DC. The boa had been known to attack while someone used their toilet and consuming them whole. Klenjin is being returned to his owner." Mulder was getting annoyed. Yet another snake gone without food. Next! "....and they are very easy to care for. In the wild though, they are known to attack lions if necessary. They can squeeze an elephant to death in 3 minutes," a Ben Stein talked. Mulder turned off the T.V. in a violent movement. Is everyone against him today? Everything on the television was about boas. They even replayed that thing on Animal Planet about boas and elephants! Suddenly, his phone rang. "Mulder, it's me. How's the snake?" "Hey Scully. Looking sharp. You *Sure* you dont want to come over a see it?" "Mulder, do I look like an idiot?" 4'No but how does that have to do with you seeing Darth." "Because, if you have forgotten, I am frightened of them." "Wanna know what it ate?" "Do you eat it?" "No . "Then I don't want to know. Listen I just called to make sure you are still alive and to say bye because you didn't say goodbye in the office." "Bye, Scully." "Bye Mulder." They both hung up. Mulder decided to go to sleep. Throwing one last look on the tank, he slipped into sandman-world. XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0: :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 : XXX Mulder woke up with a start. That was a nasty dream; Scully, Skinner and Butch were all in it! And the snake was Otto, and Scully was Dorothy and Mulder himself was the scarecrow. Looking for a brain. Mulder was about to go back to sleep when he saw the scariest sight in the world. The terrarium was EMPTY! Mulder got up and screamed. XXX0 :~ :0 :0 :0 :0 :0: 0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 XXX When the~phone rang, Scully didn't feel like~getting up.~It was two a.m. and she really didn't want to get up. But it was ringing insistently and she forgot to set the machine. She got 1 ~ out of bed. "Mulder what's wrong?" "How did you know it was me?" His voice was a whisper. "Because you're the only one to call me at 2 am. Whets up?" "More like what's down." "I don't understand." "Darth got out of the tank and I made a big mistake, he saw me move. Scully mouthed the words, Oh shit. "--and Im in the corner of my room with a 4 foot snake infront of me ready to eat me." "And what do you want me to do?" "Scully!" His voice was an annoyed-whisper-scream. "If you think I'm going to go over there and save you, you are 'I wrong. "Scully!" "Mulder, I'm afraid of snakes. I told you that." "Scully he sees me. Please. Help!" Scully had pity. "Ok, I'll be there in 10 minutes." As Scully hung up the phone, she knew one thing; one of the people there would be dead. 2 to 1 it wasn't the snake. XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 : XXX Mulder~heard Scully slowly opening the door. When he saw her face, he thought he was the happiest man in the world. Scully surveyed the scene. Mulder was backed up against the far corner wall, behind his desk. The snake was within a jump's reach. Mulder looked terrified. The snake looked hungry. "Mulder, I dont want to say I told you so but--" "Scully, cut the crap. Get me out of this mess!" ~ told you ~ Mulder nodded his head in mockery. "Yeah, you 'told me so." Now get me out before I become a past tense!" Scully pulled out her gun and leveled it at Darth. Mulder looked like he was going to cry. She pulled the trigger and a small dart hit the snake. It went limp. Scully smiled. "As I bought those tranquilizers for Frohike for the *obvious* reason, they work just fine for Darth." Scully turned on her heel, and went to open the door. "Oh and one other thing...your fly is open." Scully closed the door behind her. Mulder went to the snake, picked it up1 and noticed it was fast asleep. Zzzp! XXX Mulder returned the snake to Callista that night; she was in there late cleaning out the cavy cages. She took it back gladly and refunded his money. "See you back soon!" XX Back at home, Mulder turned on the T.V. "In other news, Michael Wetherburg, alias Butch Michaels was arrested tonight with animal cruelty. He did not fed over 50 snakes at his job, resulting in over 5 accidents and 1 death. And now for more on the Presidential Scandal, we go to Bill Buetel in D.C. Bill?" As Mulder turned off the television, he went to sleep. XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 : XXX Mulder whistled as he entered his office. "Did they take it back?" was Scully's first question. "Good morning and yes." Mulder stated as he closed the door. "I saw the news Mulder." "Good, so did I." 'You're lucky I didn't put you on the news." Mulder threw her a look. Scully returned it. Mulder gave up. "I was scared Scully. Alright, enough is enough." Scully went back to her file. "Are you still afraid of snakes? Did the whole save-your-pal thing change your mind about these reptiles?" "You know Mulder, I am not longer frightened of snakes." Mulder smiled. "I AM DAMN FREAKEN TERRIFIED OF THEM!" As Scully's voice echoed through the office, Mulder made it his promise to get something cuddly the next time. "Scully, can you look up something for me?" "What?" "Look up "Cavies" and "Guinea Pigs" on the Internet." Scully gave him a look by any other name. Mulder just shrugged innocently. XXX0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 :0 0: XXX The End! F~eed~back treasured~at~XFILES718@aol.com If I had to tranquilize you, how much CC should I use? Imagine that 10 CCs can kill a human. Oh, so I should use about a hundred? - conversation between Jake and Megan XFilr