Date: 20 Aug 1998 14:55:12 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: ANIMA-FILES: C IS FOR CANDYCE by Megan XFilr...HUMOR TITLE: ANIMA-FILES: C is for Candyce Author: Megan Xfilr Spoilers: Gethsemesane (up to that general) Feedback: XFILES718@aol.com Rating: PG-13 for some general havok Classify: SH, VH (story humor, vignette humor) Archive?: Sure to everyone..especially gossamer. Let me know when because I like to see it. Summary: 3rd in the series of Mulder trying to find a companion of the 3rd nature. Callista is back; Nimrod is back and Scully ends up really pissed off at Mulder. Need I saw more? Disclaimer: If I owned them, I would not be here. Callista Johnson is mine, so is Nimrod. Candyce the cat is a real life cat ..who is still mine FYI. She is 5 now..and a sweet heart-but nuts anyway! NOTES: Dedicated to all cat lovers. Dedicated to my hamster Armageddon who is the initial idea for the alphabetical animal series. And to my cat Candyce, who is just as crazy as spoken about. NOTE:**********TO UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE JOKES, YOU SHOULD READ BY PREVIOUS STORIES: A IS FOR ARMAGEDDON and B IS FOR BALBOA*** Its for your own good- you might not get the story without reading the 1st and the 2nd. Ok? E-mail me if you want them and you cant find them. You will need it to understand about the Fox and Dana saying Balboa. C IS FOR CANDYCE By Megan XFILR The next morning, Mulder decided that he wanted to try a more... conventional animal. And he knew Scully was going to kill him. Scully was reading a file report. She was mumbling to herself, something about the bullet alignment. "Scully? "Yeah." "What's your side on the feline world?" "As long as they don't attack me AND NO YOU DON'T MULDER!" "What?" Mulder replied in a seemingly innocent tone. "You will not get a cat." "Why not? It's not your pet?" "Yeah, but when you ditch me again, *I * will be forced to take care of it and I will not feed a cat." "I wont ditch you again.." "You've said that......how many times?" "Come on Scully, cat's are adorable." Mulder threw on the puppy look. Scully looked deadpan. "No." "Please. Come on...I didn't complain about Queequeg!" "That's Bullshit Mulder." "Give the cat a chance!" Scully sighed. "Fine...but I am NOT taking care of it!" "Deal." XXX Nimrod was the cashier on duty that day. He looked higher than ever... Mulder thought. Nimrod spoke up. "He-e-e-y/ We-e-c-o-m-e to Petland Di-I-I-scounts." The kid spoke with a reverb, his voice shaking. Mulder concluded. "Do you have cats?" Nimrod nodded. "Hee-e-y. A-r-e-n-t-y-o-u-t-h-a-t-g-u-y-t-h-a-t-b-o-u-g-h-t--. That ha-a-a-mster?" Mulder nodded. "Awesome DUDE! You wanna kill the haa-a-amster? That is neato, real neato!" The guy snorted in some air. "No, actually we returned the hamster. We'd like to a cat." "Oh-oh-oh. Kay-kay-kay. Go to, like, the back and you'll, like, see the cages with the, you know, the pussy cats, are like are." Scully nodded. "Lets go Mulder." She walked to the back. "Hey mista," Nimrod asked. "She seems to be like, really, pissed off. Is she like, under done if you get my drip!" The guy gigled in a perfect impersonation of Butthead. "No, and for your information, you look like Clinton." Mulder started walking to the back. "Awesome! I look like Chelsea! Neat! Huhuhuh!" Mulder sighed. XXX There were 3 cages of double decker wire things holding scattered kittens, cats and who-knows what. A familiar voice filled the air, "Hey, I saw the parrot back. What did he do?" "Hi Callista." Mulder waved to the teen ager. Her blonde hair was a cut a little shorter. She was wearing tight black jeans and a tank top. She had numerous amount of little fancy hair clips in her hair. "Balboa... didn't speak in a nice way." "Oh, so you must be Fox and Dana right?" Scully turned red. "Oh, listen, ma'am. I don't care he says. But some guy heard the bird say that and bought him on the spot." Scully cooled down, slightly. "So I see you're looking for a new pet?" Mulder nodded. "And guessing by the fact that you are near the cat zone, you want a cat." Mulder nodded again. "Well, what kind of cat do you want?" "I think I want a cat, not a kitten." Mulder decided. "Male or female?" "Um-"Mulder thought about this. "Female," Scully said. "I had a bad bout with a male cat once." Callista nodded. "I hear ya. I had a tom cat for a while but I had to give her away..couldn't take a cat with a superiority complex. Anyway, the only female cats we have are Candyce and Deidre." Mulder smiled. "Can I see them?" Callista nodded. She pulled a key ring from her pocket. "They are Jason's from the counter...he's is going to fired REAL soon." She opened the kennel cage. She whisked out a solid orange cat. "This is Deidre." She put her on the floor. "And this, is Candyce." A black and white and brown cat was placed next to the orange one. Mulder picked up the black and white and brown one. "Hey Candyce." Candyce looked like she didn't care. "That cat doesn't care about much. Pet her, feed her, and she'll be your best friend. It takes a bombing of Hiroshima to get her to care about anything but her owner." Mulder nodded. "Ill take her." Callista smiled as she put Deidre back in the cage. "You can take her home, these guys are for adoption." Mulder smiled again. "Thanks." "No problem." Scully sighed. XXX After spending a good hundred dollars worth of cat toys, food, and assorted things, Mulder held Candyce as Scully drove back to the office. "For today, she will stay in our office." Scully replied, "Ahuh." Mulder turned to his partner. "Are you ok?" "Yeah I just...have bad memories of cats." Mulder nodded. HE remembered too. XXX It was almost 2 hours later. And for once, Scully wasn't too pissed off. The cat slept most of them time. She only got up to use the litter box once; and Scully was pleased. "I think we may have found your pet, Mulder." Mulder smiled. But Scully almost fainted. "Mulder, whats wrong?" "Nothing's wrong..." His eyes were red and teary. He sniffed. "Mulder, are you allergic to cats?" Mulder shrugged. "Never had a probleACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" A file flew off of his desk. "Mulder, you ARE allergic to cats!" Mulder sniffed again. "I guess." Scully sighed. "We will have to get rid of the cat then. Let's take it back before any of us get attached to her." Mulder sneezed. Scully got up and went to pick up the cat. Candyce hissed and ran to the other side of the office. Scully sighed and followed her. Candyce hissed again and ran off to the other side. It was a.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . chase! XXX Mulder got up. "Let me get her." He went to her, "Hey little Candyce. Come here-come here-" Candyce hissed and jumped over Mulder. Her feet didn't make it. "OW!" Her hind nails scratched him as she landed on the desk. Scully reached over. She made a grab for the whirling ball of cat. Candyce knocked the phone off the desk. CLANG! Mulder happened to be under the desk. "Mulder, are you OK?" Scully bent down. "Uh-just get the caACCHOO!" Scully got up and saw Candyce on the computer monitor. "Here, kitty, here kittykitty!" Scully saw Candyce's legs coil up for a jump. Scully looked horrified. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Candyce sailed through the air; The computer monitor sailed towards Inferno. The sound of plastic, metal and garbage hitting the floor made Candyce jump on top of the filing cabinets. Scully slowly...slowly...approached...the cabinet. But the cat was faster. She ran across the 6 cabinets. Ploop! Pfoot! Phft! The files Mulder was *meaning * to file sailed to the floor. Mulder moaned. "NO.." Scully made another pass at the feline. Candyce did her now patented hiss and sailed off the cabinets------------------- And onto Mulder's stomach. "YELP! AHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH!" Mulder screamed. Scully ran over to him but the cat jumped. Mulder stomach cringed as the cat's springbox hind legs flew off and landed on Mulder desk. Nobody moved. There were priceless things on that desk. Gifts--- name tags--- glass. Mulder's pencil cup. Mulder slowly got up. HE saw the stand off between the cat and his partner. Mulder spoke softly. "Come on Candyce, we'll make you a deal. Please, just don't break anything." Candyce meowed. "Mrow?" "Yes, we need to bring you back. I'm 'lergic to you." "Mrow." This was a hiss. "Listen, I'm sorry things had to turn out this way but.." Candyce jumped. She landed on Mulder chair on casters. She started zooming through the office. ZWTT! She slammed into another wall, sending a photo of an alien crashing to the floor. As the chair changed direction, it started to roll behind Mulder's desk. Candyce leaped and landed on the little stand out infront of Mulder's bulletin board. She raised her paws. SCRRRRATCH! 10 nicely even lines went through the words Want to Believe on the poster. Mulder wailed. "NOOOOOOOOOOCHOOOOOOOOO!" Mulder fell to the floor on that sneeze. Candyce leaped back onto the chair. IT hit the desk and the wall and zoomed towards the door. At the moment, Skinner decided to come in. The door opened and Skinner saw the flying chair coming his way. He leaped into the office. The chair zoomed into the hallway. It hit the janitorial door and zoomed to the right. Mulder stuck his head out. "CAAAAAAAANDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYCE!" "MROW!" The cat jumped and started running down the hall. Mulder stepped out of the doorway and tried to make a jump at the cat. He leaped towards the ground. The cat ZOOMED out. Mulder hit his nose on the floor. Scully jumped over the now fallen Mulder and sped off after the cat. The cat was agile and it leaped over the stairs and flew towards the elevators. Scully followed and when the elevator doors opened she followed the cat into the elevator. Scully jumped. The cat jumped as well. They ended up on opposite sides of the elevator. Scully leaped towards the cat. The cat didn't move. Finally, Scully got her hands on the feline. Unfortunately, the doors opened and Chief Blevins stepped on. The cat leaped from Scully's arms and leaped onto the balding head of Blevin's. He yelped. The cat started scratching WILDLY at the skin. Belvins started thrasing his hands. Scully tried to reach for the cat but it hissed and jumped onto the floor. "CANDYCE get off of me!" Blevins yelled. Over the hissing, Scully managed to yell, "HOW DID YOU KNOW HER NAME?" "SHE WAS MY CAT! I GAVE HER TO THAT PET STORE!" Scully sighed. Finally she gave up. Blevins was bleeding from his array of cuts on his head. Finally, Blevins passed out. The cat meowed and sat next to Scully. And went to sleep. XXX Nimrod, more commonly known as Jason, took the cat back. Mulder was on medication. It turns out that he was allergic to female feline dander. More commonly known as girl cats that had dandruff. Scully recovered from all the array of scratches. Blevins went to therapy...the episode with his former cat turned his life upsidedowninsideout. He needed to get over it. Fast. Skinner still didn't know what was going on. Neither did Candyce. XXX Back at the office, Scully and Mulder were going over expense reports. They didn't talk about the cat. "You know Mulder," Scully piped up. "You are not very good with animals." "I still want a pet," Mulder protested. "I know, but not a cat." "I know." "Honestly, Mulder, you'd be safer off with a snake." Scully swore she saw a lightbulb form over her partner's head. "Mulder, I was being sarcastic." Mulder smiled. "Mulder! MULDER! NO! MULDER!" Mulder smiled evily. "MMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLDDDDDDDDDDDDEE EEEEEEERRRRR!" :~::~:~:~:~:~~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~XXXXXXXXXXX~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~:~~ :~:~:~: The end-the next one may come out by 8/21/98..it will be intitled D is for Durniha. Who knows what animal it may be?!?! Feed back cherished at XFILES718@aol.com ~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~~~~~~~~~~~~~:~~~~~:~~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~:~:~:~~:~:~: ~:~::~~: I hate cats Megan! Only because you know that they are smarter than you! -conversation between Fox H. and Megan Xfilr President Clinton is under suspicion again-- Socks is filing suit for sexual harrasment from Buddy and Billy. -Bill Maher ~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~::~~:~:~:~:~:~::~~::~:~~:~:~:~:~::~~::~~ :~:~:~::~