Date: 19 Aug 1998 13:30:03 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: ANIMA-FILES: B IS FOR BALBOA by Megan XFilr..HUMOR TITLE: ANIMA-FILES : B is for Balboa AUTHOR: Megan XFilr XFILES718@aol.com Rating: PG-13 (for a couple of bad words although they arent all that bad) Category: SH, VH (story/humor, vignette/humor) Archive: Always say yes to Gossamer. (e-mail me when you do..i like to see my work) and anyone else feel free as long as you keep this boring disclaimer with it and e-mail me so I can see it. Spoilers: Bad Blood (only a few inside jokes) Keywords: Mulder/Scully friendship, M/S Humor, Birds SUMMARY: Second in a series of attempts for Mulder to get a pet. It includes a bird, Scully almost stapling the bird in half and the ever popular Callista Johnson! A must read if you ever had a problem with a new pet or ever met a really annoying talking bird! DISCLAIMER: Mulder and Scully belong to the ever holy Chris Carter (if you're a satanist..jk) Callista Johson and the people who work at this terrible Petland Discounts 2 blocks from my house are mine. All the animals mentioned were mine at some point and either died, were returned, etc.. Balboa the macaw passed away 1/1/96. AUTHOR NOTES: This is dedicated to my mom because she lived with a phucked up parrot for a while. Also to my cats (who will have a couple of stories in this alphabetical series) Candyce, Mickey, Moonlight, Salem, Chloe, Mako, Kako, Sydi and Consorts. And to my hamster, who was the original pet in the Alphabetical ANIMA-FILES series. She is looking sharp. ***NOTE*** YOU MUST READ`````` A IS FOR ARMAGEDDON````````` WRITTEN BY MEGAN XFILR TO UNDERSTAND THE BEGINNING PART AND ALL REFERENCES TO ARMAGEDDON and HAMSTER ALIKE. IT IS NOT A REFERENCE TO THE MOVIE (WHICH WAS REALLY GOOD ANYWAY) I am not plugging my story but that note is for your reading and comprehending pleasure. B IS FOR BALBOA By Megan XFilr Things had happened TOO quickly. 1 hour after they both came into the office , after the Armageddon incident, they were whisked off to another case. And, using Skinner's words, "Daylight's burning Agents." He used that way too often. Mulder slagged into his basement office as low as the worms in the ground. Scully came in after him. "Can you believe that Skinner?" She was moaning and groaning about. "300 miles of driving through Vermont wasteland to see a guy whose cows had all died in one night." "It was sudden!" Mulder tried to stand up for his superior. "They were all hit by lighting!" Scully screamed. "Let sleeping dogs lay!" Mulder fought back. "It's over and lets get back to the matter at hand!" Scully looked confused. "What matter at ha..............oh. Right. Replace the Armageddon." She nodded. Mulder smiled. "I was thinking over the weekend, in Vermont? I think I want something that talks." "Get married," Scully offered. Mulder shook his head. "More like a bird." Scully looked as if she was about to faint. "You want a bird?" "A parrot most likely." Scully nodded. She threw up her hands. "Fine, on lunch hour, we are going to get you a bird." XXX Scully put the expense report down. Glancing at her watch, it was just about to hit lunch hour. Scully thought. Then she remember about that friggin' bird. At that point, Mulder flew into the office. He went for a cup of coffee. "It is time!" He yelled, making a rather good impression of Rafikki from the Lion King. Scully nodded, got up, grabbed her coat and walked out of the door. Mulder followed. "I'm so happy your so optimistic about this Scully!" XXX Mulder walked first into Petland Discounts. He walked up to the counter. Luckily, nimrod wasn't there. "Excuse me, I would like help in the bird department." The hispanic stood up and looked around. "Soore, just go ofa tha. Behinda dog foo display. You cantttt meiss it!" Mulder nodded and walked behind the dog food display. He made a mental note that dogs were still a possibility in his animal department. Mulder was yet again almost taken aback. Rows of cages filled bout a 8 X 12 space. It looked like a minature Alcatraz. And it was noisy! The birds were like New Yorker's; talking and not caring if anyone was listening, let alone caring if someone was talking at the same time! "..so should I seperate the canaries yet?" a male's voice was saying. "I would. Although they might start singing...if that is what you want," a very familiar voice came from behind Mulder. Mulder spun around. "Callista?" Tall, blonde Callista had her hair in a bun and was talking to obviously the animal caretaker. She turned to Mulder. "Hey! How's the hamster?" Mulder looked suicidal. The silent Scully spoke up. "We had to return it because it gave birth." Callista looked dumfounded. She turned to the animal guy. "You left those hamsters together without sexing them? That is a shame to all animal lovers." She shook her head. The guy looked really sorry. Callista turned back to the duo. "So, whatcha doing?" Mulder spoke softly, "I want to try my luck with a bird." Callista smiled. "Great! What type?" Mulder looked at Scully but she was just as clueless on the bird subject. 'I want it to talk," Mulder stated. Callista smiled. "Well, I know Emanuel talks but his previous owner was from Harlem and Emanuel remembers a lot from his past. If you get what I'm saying." Callista smiled. Scully looked at Mulder with a look that read, Dont-you-dare-buy-a-cursing-parrot-if-you-still-wish-to-treasure-my-accqua intence. Mulder smiled. "Anything else?" Callista put a finger to her lips in thought. "Balboa talks. His owner died a year or so back and they donated him here. Cage and all. He's a macaw though, and needs a lot of room." Mulder looked at Scully for approval. "Can we see it?" Scully inquired. Callista nodded. She opened her palm towards the caretaker. HE dropped a ring of keys into her hands. Callista turned to the door to the left of the bird world."Come in!" she said, as she jimmied the door to stay open. "These are the special birds." Mulder went first while Scully debated entering the room. But she followed Mulder. The room was dark, dusty and reeked of newspaper and dusty feathers. As Callista turned on the light, a hundred birds started to caw. "Crraaa! Crrraaa!" "Whohowhowhohwohwow!" "Aie! Aie! Aie! Ay!" Amongst the bird calls, a scratchy voice said, "What are these mother f**kers doing on my turf?" Scully turned to face..................a large blue parrot. Callista sighed. "Shut up Emanuel!" "Shut up Emanuel!"A lighter voice called from the back of the room. Callista smiled. "That would be Balboa." Walking past birds with nests, brown birds feeding little chicks, canaries obviously from a large hatching, they approached a stand with a bird chained to it. "Hello Balboa!" "Hello Callista!" The bird mimicked."Balboa talks. His owner died a year or so back, cah!" Callista turned to Mulder who was impressed. "He mimicks what other says. Sometimes, he tries to make his own comeback but it often sounds like something out of a Hebrew textbook." Mulder nodded. "He comes with everything? Cage, stand, the works?" Callista nodded. Mulder looked at Scully. Scully sighed. "We'll take it." XXX "THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY THAT BIRD IS SETTING FOOT IN OUR OFFICE!" Scully screamed. "I asked Skinner! He said it might liven up the place!" Mulder protested. "SKINNER IS NOT SHARING A ROOM WITH THAT FEATHER BRAIN. NOW UNLESS YOU WANT ME BACK AT QUANTICO, TAKE THE BIRD HOME." "please Scully?" Scully sighed. "Mulder, come on..... this is enough!" Mulder gave her the puppy dog look. Scully looked like she was about to throw up. "Fine, bu--" Mulder smiled and started running towards his car. "BUT IF IT EATS ANYTHING OR LEAVES SOMETHING BEHIND THAT WASN'T THERE..." Scully gave up. "Its not like he ever listens anyway." XXX An hour later, Scully was about to make herself a new feather duster. The bird mimicked everythign she said to Mulder. It was annoying; it sounded as if it doubted her. If she didn't know better, she thought that Balboa and Mulder were a match made in heaven. "Mulder about the Johanson murder case.." Mulder looked up from his desk. "Its not our department." "It's not our department1" Balboa stood up for Mulder. "I know but we have to testify!" "Screw the court." "Ah! Screw the courts! Screw her! Screw Scully!" Mulder looked at the bird. It was next to the computer desk. He looked at Scully. Her face was as red as her hair. Mulder thought. "Mulder, hand me that stapler." Mulder looked at her. "Are you NUTS!" "Fox and Dana SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes the love! Then COMES THE MARRIAGE! Then there's an EBE in the baby carriage!" Balboa shrieked. Scully looked at that bird so hard that Mulder thought that Medusa had overcome his partner. His very, very, pissed off partner. "You know, I was thinking. The bird mimicks, right?" Mulder nodded. "So maybe someone said that and put our names in it." Mulder shrugged. "Listen, Mulder. I"m trying to stall myself from murdering that bird!" Mulder got up. "Scully is a bitch! Scully is a bitch!" Balboa shreiked. Mulder grabbed Scully's hand. "Scully and Krycek! Scully and Krycek! Little Scully's and Little Kryceks! Cah!" Mulder grabbed both of Scully's arms. "Scully loves Mulder! Mulder loves Scully!" Mulder held Scully back with all his strength. "Mulder's not good enough! Mulder's not good enough! Scully wants more!" Mulder let go of Scully in shock. Scully ran to the bird. She put a hand over it's beak. "We...are....returning...the...bird....right....now." Scully approached Mulder with a homicidal look in her cool, blue eyes. Mulder was thinking. Scully approached him and stood so close that he could smell...her strawberry shampoo. "Lets...go...Mulder." She was speaking through gritted teeth. Mulder nodded obiedently. XXX Back at the pet shop, Mulder explained the circumstances to the manager. All the while, Scully fingered her Sig Sauer while staring at the macaw. The manager gladly took the bird back. Mulder took Scully's hand as they left the Petland Discounts. XXX Back at the office, Scully sighed as she sat down in her chair. "You know, Scully. I might have another idea about a pet." Scully looked heavenward. "As I lay me down to rest, I pray I pass the animal test. If I die before I wake it's one last pet try I'll have to take!" Mulder smiled at her improv poem. But was she going to love the next animal! :`::`~::~`:::;~;::~:~:::~;::::`;`;`;`;::;`;`;``;`;~:: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx `::`~::~`:::;~;::~:~:::~;::::`;`;`;`;::;`;`;``;`;~: the End! Did you like it? Send me feedback! XFILES718@aol.com You can just say that I have no life..it's ok..its old news! Megan, if you had half a life that I had.... ---I'd be dead,,,,,,,,,,,,.....................................................conve rsation between Fox Huntsfeild and Megan XFilr Animals are a source of encouragement; they encourage you to leave the house for their food and business..