Date: 13 Aug 1998 11:58:40 GMT From: XFILES718 Subject: ANIMA-Files: A is for Armageddon TITLE: Anima-files: A is for Armageddon AUTHOR: Megan XFilr CLASSIFICATION: (this is long) Story, Story / Humor, \ Humor, Vignette, Vignette / Humor Keywords: Mulder / Scully Friendship, MNS Humor, Animals, Rodents RATING: PG-.a little screaming put 101 Dalmations to PG SUMMARY: The first letter of an alphabetical series dedicated to Mulder's dedicated search for a companion..more like the one with a large wet nose and fur. Read it: directly from the authors experience with animals. AWARD WINNER: Best Animal related crossover: All Xfile Fan Fiction Club-8/12/98 ARCHIVE: Gossamer-(let me know when you do though Goss-I want to see it posted) Everyone else..be my guest but keep this front part that nobody reads anyway. E-mail me to let me know where it so I can see the fruits of my labor. DISCLAIMER: Does anyone read this? I don't. My alter-ego Ivan Duringham Vonderipid is doing this. Theeee charrracccttters of Muuulder and Scullllyyy beeeloonng to a Chrrriiisss Carrter. Nooot me. Ok, I'm back. But! Callista the rabbit woman is mine-it is ME! and the name is my confirmation name so don't use her because you'd be using me and that would suck. SPOILERS: Clyde Bruckmans / Wet Wired..You gotta know who Queequeg is AUTHOR'S NOTES: To Vijal, Angie, Mari, Ron, Erik and Fox who all think Im obsessed with the xfiles...here is the proof. To my mom for putting up with daily viewings of Bad Blood, to my hamster Armageddon, who's birthday is the same as Chris Carters (10/13/) and to any living soul who reads this..god bless you! This is dedicated to my hamster Armageddon who is a piebald syrian hamster. She is the BOMB pet and I love her very much. Oh, and the service at my local Petland is the same..I had to sex her. The morons here don't know what a guppy looks like. It's a lost cause. And if you happen to have a very reliable Petland Discounts or you work at one-I am sorry but this is personal experience. That's a whole business you know-you're life as fiction. Except I cant erase it on my word processor with the delete key. You know what I'm saying? And this is in Mulder's point of view. David Duchovny's thoughts are in < > ok? I will do some Scully point of view too-.give me a chance. And if you know me-I actually cant wait for the first day of school-=) (inside joke) Feed back welcomed at XFILES718@aol.com Just let me know you read it, ok? This is the beginning of a lot of alphabetical stories-you have been warned. A IS FOR ARMAGEDDON By Megan XFilr I walked into the living Inferno, more commonly known as my office. Scully was there before me for the first time in a while. But I had been thinking this morning. "Hey." It was more of an acknowledgment rather than a certified greeting. The red head looked up. "Morning, Mulder." I sat down at my desk and saw Scully sitting at hers. She was eating what appeared to be animal crackers. I opened my desk drawer and took out a bag of sunflower seeds. I groaned. "Whats wrong now?" Scully asked, not looking up from the file. "This is the roasted, unsalted, shelless kind." In a beautiful act of unaware actions, Scully opened her side desk drawer and fiddled around for a bit. Her eyes were still focused on the manilla file in her hands. In a quick, cat-like motion, she heaved a medium-sized plastic bag at me. I luckily caught it just as it was about to hit me above my eyes. The bag was filled with shelled, salted, non-roasted sunflower seeds. I looked up at Scully and she gave me a look; Don't-think-I-never-ate-sunflower-seeds-before-I-met-you. I returned it with; Do-I-ever-doubt-you? She looked back at her file. I smiled. I rubbed off much too much over the last 6 years-.she was becoming a work-a-holic. That's incurable. I'm suffering already. I wanted to ask her something but I couldn't come up with the words. No, no. I wasn't about to propose. Something I needed help with. A decision. I coughed. "Um-Scully." "Yeah," she said, yet again not looking up. "Um..a, can I ask you something/" "You can-I don't know if you may." "I'm serious." She looked up. She saw my look; Come-on-I-need-you-on- this-one. She gave me 49 % attention. I threw her the ol' Its-not-work- related. She closed the file and turned to face me. "Ok-I'm listening." I cleared my throat. "I was thinking-." I coughed again. "Mulder, unless you are suffering from strep throat, please stop hacking and tell me what I am supposed to help you decide." I smiled. "Scully, remember Queequeg?" Scully raised her eyebrow. She glanced at a photo on her desk. It was a photo of me, her and Queequeg. We were infront of the Hoover Building and Holly from communication records shot the photo. We were sitting on the bench, Scully in a suit and me in my usual pin-strip getup. The little sable Pomeranian was sitting on both of us.. a hind and a fore leg on each of our legs. Scully loved that photo. "What type of question is that?" Scully inquired. "Well, um-" I decided against talking. I gave her a look; I-am-going-to-get-a-pet. This look was rather a New Release at our look library. She took a second to register the look and smiled. She was about to respond and just looked at me; What?-Gave-up-on-Diane-Fowley? "Scully--" She smiled. "Honestly Mulder, why do you want a dog?" "Not dog-pet. I don't care what it is." Scully raised her eyebrow. "Oh, ok. So your landlord is going to let you keep a siberian tiger in your poor excuse for an apartment? What I would do for rent control-" I curled my lip. Scully held out her hands in a surrender. "Fine-you want a pet. Why are you telling me?" "Well, my decisions are rarely successful." "Mulder you have had success with those fish." "Well, they died." "Ah-hah! I knew those guys needed to be fed! The one time in second season I fed them was probably their last meal." "Bullshit Scully. They were old. I've had them since before I met you." Scully smiled. "I still don't know why you told me about the pet-" "I want you to help me pick it out." She smirked. "Because I'm logical and I have impeccable taste?" "That and the fact you will not recommend a Shit-Zu or a Poodle." She giggled. "Fine, after work, lets meet at your house to discuss what type of animal you can live with." I smiled. "Thanks." We went back to our files. X~~~~~X~~~~~X As I was getting ready to go home, I turned to Scully and asked, "You want to come home with me or should I expect you later." Scully inquired and got up to follow me out. Subliminal messages are the most clear. Those and the ones you get slapped in the face with.. literally. X~~~~~~X~~~~X "Ok, what does your landlord restrict?" Scully asked. She was sitting on my couch next to me. She had a pad of paper in her hand and had a pen tucked behind her ear. "Nothing. A pet is fine as long as I do the matenience." Scully sighed. "Fine, we will just create a list and narrow it down." I smiled. "Well, I do have an idea." Scully untucked the pen. "Shoot." "Well, when I was a kid, my friend Jason had this pet. It was pregnant and I supposed to get one of the kids. But, his cat ate it one day and I always wanted a pet like that-it was the sweetest animal." Scully looked dumbfounded. "You want a mouse?" I shook my head. "Hamster." Scully looked like she was going to faint. "A hamster?" I nodded. She sighed. "Fine, get a hamster. I thought you wanted a dog..or a cat-or a lizard." "I'm a lizard-kind of guy?" "No, Mulder. More like a - turtle kind of guy." "I'm touched." She smiled. "You want a hamster?" I nodded again. "But if I don't like it, I can always return it. And get another pet." She nodded. She wrote "HAMSTER" on the top of the pad. "I think Petland is still open." X~~~~X~~~~X As the automatic doors opened, the wave of sawdust and puppy-odor and kitty-litter hit me along with the distinct smell of dog food. Scully walked in and headed towards the back of the store. "The small mammals are in the back , next to the dog grooming station. I used to look at the gerbils while Queequeg was being ] groomed." I smiled and followed her. "Glad you came. I might never find the -woa." The animal display was quite large. I saw gerbils, rats, mice, rabbits, guinea pigs, and things he was sure the Consorstium came up with. While he gaped, Scully approached the tanks. She pointed to a row of glass fish aquariums.."These are all hamsters." I looked closer. As I peered into the glass, my heart opened and frilled. There were about a gazillion hamsters running about on wheels, digging into the saw shavings or eating-sunflower seeds. I pointed this to Scully. "Match maker made me a match." Scully did not find this amusing. "Do you want a male or a female?" "Whats the difference?" "I'm sure you are aware of the difference Mulder." "NO, I mean, like, which one is a better pet." "Hey I had a dog for less than a year. I'm not a rodent master." "Fine, Ill ask the cashier." I approached the high counter. The kid behind it was servicing a young girl with a lot of rabbit supplies. Crocks, bottles, feeders, everything. I asked the cashier, "Can someone help me with the hamsters?" The guy in the black shirt looked up. "What do you need?" "I need help in selecting one." "So pick one out and I'll ring it up." "This is my first pet. I need help like..which one to pick, what sex, and such." Scully piped up, "Can you come back there and help us sex the critters?" The guy shook his head. "I dunno how to sex em. They're rodents-I can only sex humans." Scully threw me a doubting look. "Ow please! What the hell do they hire you for if you cant help a guy with a hamster?" the girl with the rabbit supplies droned. She turned to me, "I can help you. I know more than dimbo here." Scully smiled. "if you could.." The kid smiled. "No problem. Keep this on the side, genius. Don't forget to ring up the tax and take the money from me this time." She turned on her heel and started walking back to the hamster arena. I couldn't keep up and Scully was beyond close. The kid was wearing long, baggy khakis, and a shirt that read, "If I was an alien, I would have already abducted myself." She had long blond hair down to the middle of her back and walked with authority. When we all reached the cages, she turned to me. "I'm Callista." "I'm Dana and this is-Mulder." She girl smiled again. She had slightly crooked teeth on her lower bite but either than that she was kind of perky. Mulder got the sense that she was more than your average student. "Well, what breed of hamster you want?" I looked sheepish. "Okay, "she said. "What color do you like?" "I always wanted a black and white one," I answered. "Fine, piebald. That narrows it down to-.syrian and dwarf. How big do you want it?" I cupped my hands. "About that." "Okay, so Syrian it is." She turned to the tanks and lifted out one of the tanks from the row of 6. "These guys are all syrian. Pick out which one you want." Scully jumped in, "Which sex would be better?" Callista looked up from the tank. "First time pet owners?" I nodded. "Go with female. Males are moody and want to breed... you get the idea." Scully nodded for me this time. I squatted and looked into the tank. About 9 hamsters were running around. I spotted one that was black and white. "How about this one?" Callista took it from me. "Nope. It's a male. And not very nice." She put it back. Reaching into the tank, she expertly grabbed a similar hamster. Flipping it over in the action of telling me its gender, she announced, "Female." I smiled and took it. The animal looked up at me. Matchmaker, make me a match- "She's perfect." Callista smiled as she put back the tank on the shelf. She walked away and came back with a little box with holes. "This will get her home." As she folded the box and placed my little pet in, she walked away again and came back with a large box. "This is a cage with the works. Don't go looking for special stuff yet. Wait till she is full grown." I nodded and Scully took the box. "Congrats on the new pet." As the three of us walked backwards, I asked her, "Whats with the rabbit stuff?" Callista smiled. "I breed them. Dwarf, dutch, mini lops, you name it I breed it. Also breed hamsters, cavies, rats and hedgehogs. I got a new one and needed the extra supply anyway." We reached the counter and the cashier looked high on LSD. Callista smiled and walked behind the counter. She clicked a button and the screen flashed, "Enter security code. " She entered a few numbers and the screen read, "Enter transaction." She rang up the hamster and the cage. "It's 20 dollars, 8 cents. Forget the 8 cents-they wouldn't notice it anyway." I handed her a twenty and she put it in the register. She then entered $42.32 as her purchase, place the exact change in their too. "I could stand here all day and never be asked to pay." I smiled and Scully said, "Thank you." Callista just waved her hand and walked out of the door with the supplies. I walked my hamster back to my apartment. I had come up with a name for her-Armageddon. X~~~~X~~~~~~~~X Back at home, I set up the cage on my desk ; I work at the office anyway, I put her in my arms and played with her for a full hour. She ran up and down my arms, through my hair and I even lost her in the sofa. I petted her and shared my sunflower seeds. She could stuff 13 in her little cheeks at a time. I stroked her and kept repeating, Armageddon. I put my little Armageddon inside the cage. "Good night Armie!" I set into the couch and fell asleep. X~~~~X~~~~~~~~X When I woke up, I ran to the cage on my desk., "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAA AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAA AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I picked up the phone and called Scully. "Scully! Wake up!" The answering machine turned off. "Mulder, its 6 am. What the hell do you want?" "Armageddon split!" Scully sighed. "She ran away?" "NO! There are hundreds of little Armageddons!" I could see Scully raise her eyebrow. "She gave birth?" "YEAH!" "I'll be right there." X~~~~XXX~~~~X When Scully arrived, she surveyed the cage and sorted through it. "You are the grandfather of 39 baby hamsters." I wanted to cry. "Take her back Mulder. These guys will be ready to breed in 2 weeks and its you'll never get rid of them." I nodded. X~~~~~X~~~~~~X When I entered my office, I was sad. My first pet already was back at Petland..I hadn't even had her for more than 24 hours! I felt like punching myself. Scully entered the office a minute later and said, "It's ok Muder. Don't worry. We'll try a different animal." I smiled. I already knew my next choice. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~XXX~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The end. There is another coming in the next day or so..definitely in 24hours. So-you have been warned. I have 2 type of animals-ones that pee on you and ones that bite you. The other ones don't exsist." Me Megan, the rabbit woman had struck again. It's like a hurricane-we give it a cute name to try and live with it but instead it kills people. And Megan is the cutest name yet. Fox Huntsfield, Jr Feedback welcomed..loved-enjoyed,-cherished and printed. Send that and pickles/orange tic-tacs/ bagels to XFILES718@aol.com Please? oh and visit my site at http://members.xoom.com/xfiles718/official.html