Hello Folks, I'm new to the newsgroup and just want you to know that I have enjoyed reading all works the past few weeks very much. There are some very talented writers around. :) I write with a Star Trek RPG group and decided to branch out into my other favorite show, X-Files. This story is a little different than the usual X-Files fare. It is meant to be funny (I surely hope you think so!) and everything will be made clear at the very end when all the topsy-turvey stuff is put back where it belongs. I have resurrected Quequeeg with a purpose which will become clear. I would enjoy hearing from you if you enjoy the story, if not I'm sorry to have wasted your time and I kept my day job! ;) Ellen Palmer qball197@ix.netcom.com Disclaimer: All the characters herein are the property of Chris Carter and the X-Files television show. I have taken the liberty of using them for pure enjoyment, not profit, and no infringement is intended. "The Abduction of Queequeeg" September 2, 1996 Shenandoah Valley National Park Front Royal, Virginia Dana Scully absently swatted a mosquito as the lingering smoke from the grill swirled through the damp evening air. The section picnic had been a huge success and once again, as she had over the course of the day, she regretted her partner's obstinate decision not to attend the cookout in the Shenandoah Valley National Park. "Scully," he had said in answer to her insistence that he attend, "I've got _way_ too much work to do," he repositioned his glasses and glared pointedly at the flickering computer screen. "Take Quequeeg and have a good time...you know 'a girl and her dog'......besides, you're always badgering me about the terrible food that I eat, what could be worse than than hotdogs and charcoaled grease-burgers?" Dana sighed and decided that she still missed her partner, even if he was the most stubborn man alive. Glancing around, she noticed the crowd thinning and decided it was about time to make the trip back to DC....as soon as she found Quequeeg. The little Pomeranian had been in his glory with plenty of children to chase after and everyone feeding him pieces of 'grease-burgers'. Seeing a flash of red fur she rose from her wobbly deck chair and headed through the picnic tables toward a group of children. "Queequeg's great, Miss Scully," a little tow-headed girl grinned through gapped front teeth, "Can I play with him again next time?" "Sure, Angie," Dana smiled, "He's had fun too. But I bet he has a tummyache tonight from all the goodies he's eaten today." As she bent to ruffle the little girl's fair hair Queequeeg, sensing an end to the fun perhaps, streaked off into the woods, yapping wildly, his furry tail curled over his back. "Quequeeg!" Dana yelled, "Come back here! Quequeeg!" With a rueful grin at the little girl, Dana set off in pursuit only to meet her boss, Walter Skinner, at the edge of the woods. Seeing the Assistant Director of the FBI in a pair of ragged denim shorts and a tee shirt had been one of the high points of the day for Agent Scully. Until now, she hadn't thought it was possible to humanize the man who was almost military in his deportment and bearing. "Uh...hello, Sir," she paused in her chase and gave him an uncertain smile, "It's been a great day hasn't it?" "Yes indeed," Skinner peered off into the woods, "It's a shame that Agent Mulder couldn't make it. Your dog run away?" "Yes Sir, seems like he doesn't want the day to come to an end. He probably saw the leash in my pocket." "I'll walk with you, there's been several sightings of bear in these woods over the summer." "Bears! Oh dear! Thank you...he went this way...I think..." Half an hour later, only dappled light filtered through the thick trees and Dana Scully was getting frantic. Not only was she picturing her dog as a bear's supper but she could also picture tomorrow's gossip in the polished halls of the FBI building : 'Did you hear that Agent Scully and Skinner disappeared into the woods for an hour during the picnic! Now I wonder what they were _up_ to!' "Sir," she began, stopping and leaning wearily against a tree, "I think we'd better give it up, maybe he's circled around and went back to where all the food is. It's getting pretty dark and...." A sudden yipping bark sounded just then and both Skinner and Scully started to run toward a small grassy knoll. The little dog stood in the middle of a field of grass barking wildly and jumping up and down in the tall weeds. "Quequeeg!" Dana called, and then covered her ears as a deep humming noise vibrated through the thickening air. "What the hell is that!" Skinner yelled over the increasing vibrations, "Look!" Squinting against the sudden brilliance that covered the clearing in a yellow glow Dana Scully strained to see the little Pomeranian. Her ears hurt now and her eyes couldn't remain open against the glare. Giving up she fell to the ground, curling into a ball, trying to shield her eyes and ears. The sudden silence was filled with the harsh breathing of Walter Skinner. Peeking through her folded arms Dana saw the AD lift his hands from his ears experimentally. With a glance at Scully, he walked forward a few paces and looked over the edge of the knoll. "Agent Scully," he said slowly, "I believe your dog is....gone." September 3, 1996 FBI Headquarters Basement Office of the X-Files Fox Mulder opened the bag of pastries, looked up toward the ceiling and started counting, "One, two , three, four...." The door swung open and Scully rushed into the room. "Morning Scully," he grinned, "I think your ESP level is a lot higher than you'd like to think. Everytime I get fresh pastries from that shop where I have to wait in line for an hour you show up the minute I open the bag...before I count to five...every single time....now don't you think that that is..." "Mulder! They took him!" The bag of pastries rattled as Fox picked out the chocolate chip, cheese Danish for Scully, " Took who? Boy, these really look good today! Get some coffee, I made a fresh pot." "Mulder! Will you listen to me," Scully threw her jacket over a chair and moved automatically toward the coffeepot. "They took Quequeeg!" Mulder shook his head and took a huge bite of an eclair, "I told you that even FBI agents have to buy dog licenses, Scully, _especially_ FBI agents actually. Do you know that statistically more Federal employees get parking tickets and tickets for city offenses than anyone else? It's a conspiracy." The words were garbled since his mouth was full but Scully wasn't paying attention anyway as she poured her coffee and started pacing. "Mulder," she repeated, "I'm trying to tell you that Queequeeg was _Abducted_! You know...aliens...UFO...the whole nine yards...at the picnic yesterday." Mulder quickly swallowed his pastry, taking a too-hot sip of coffee in the process, "What exactly happened at that picnic?" he gasped, feeling the coffee burn all the way down his throat, "Anyone start passing funny looking cigarettes?" "Mul-der," Scully's voice was a warning as he tried valiantly not to grin. The phone jangled loudly and Mulder grabbed it, grateful for the chance to let Scully calm down a little. His head cocked to hold the receiver, he handed his partner the chocolate-chip pastry as a peace offering, shrugging and grinning boyishly. "Yes, Sir, we'll be right there," he said into the phone and stood, grabbing his jacket off the chair, "Sorry Scully, we've been _summoned_, Skinner wants to see us." The trip to the AD's office was short and silent, Mulder spent most of the time wiping icing off his face and trying to decide if his throat was irreparably damaged. "Agent Scully, Mulder," Skinner said abruptly as they entered the inner sanctum. Instead of the usual impeccable white shirt and military bearing Skinner wore the same clothes that he had had on at the picnic, and looked and acted nervous and jittery. His hair was disheveled and his glasses were awry. Mulder turned around to look at the door, making sure that he had come to the right office. "I've decided to give this case top priority. I want you two to go to the park and find out what happened last night." Skinner tapped a pen thoughtfully against his desk as he spoke, and looked up at Agent Scully, "I know it will be difficult for you, Dana, but I think we need to know the _truth_...._I_ need to know." "Yes, Sir," Scully replied, looking relieved. "Uh...Sir...," Mulder began with an uncomprehending frown, "Just exactly what case is this that's getting top priority?" "Dana will fill you in, keep me posted." The dismissal was curt, as usual, and Fox followed Scully to the door, glancing back once to look at the AD with narrowed eyes, as if making sure the man was actually Walter Skinner. The door closed softly behind them and Mulder jogged a few steps ahead to walk backward in front of Scully as they proceeded down the hallway, "Dana? Skinner called you _Dana_? What the hell is going on Scully! What case is top priority? You don't mean...nah... that's not possible..." Scully glared at him and walked a little faster, causing him to stumble in his backpedaling, "I _told_ you, Mulder. Queequeg was abducted last night. Skinner was with me. Queequeeg had ran off into the woods and he helped me look for him. We saw a brilliant light, heard a deafening humming noise and the dog disappeared. When we looked over the hill there was a huge circle burnt into the ground. Queequeeg was taken by aliens in a UFO!" "Yeah right, and Skinner wants _the truth_" Mulder agreed slowly , watching her eyes flash dangerously, "And he called you Dana.....at least you didn't call him Walter..." September 3, 1996 Shenandoah National Park Ranger Station "I'm Agent Mulder with the FBI, this is Agent Scully, we're here to investigate a...uh...disappearance last night. Did you notice anything unusual round here?" Mulder flipped open his shield wallet and asked the question, praying that the ranger wouldn't ask who had disappeared. On the road to the Park, Mulder had listened, in minute detail, to Scully's account of what had happened the night before. "You know, Scully," he had said, cracking a sunflower seed, "It is a proven fact that most UFO sightings are either weather balloons or lightening or some other weather phenomena." "What about the humming noise?" "Sometimes lightening is accompanied by vibrations," he soothed her with his calm voice, "They have been known to be on the high end of the sound spectrum." "What about the burnt circle in the clearing?" "Lightening follows no known pattern, Scully, it's very possible that a ground strike could assume the shape of a circle." "Well, then _where's_ Queeqeeg?" " He's _Toast_," he almost answered but caught himself just in time by choking on a sunflower seed, "I don't know Scully but we'll find him," he croaked as he tossed the rest of the package of seeds on the car seat between them. Now, the tall, lanky Park Ranger eyed them carefully and peered at Mulder's shield. "Don't guess you came to clean up the mess your group left at the picnic area yesterday. You guys are always so busy looking for evidence and such like, that you thought you'd leave a little this time, huh? Now let's see, the evidence, as I see it, says that you ate a lot of unhealthy food, drank several bottles of fine wine and lots of beer....say, does an FBI picnic get billed to the Government?" End of Part One Disclaimer in Part One Ellen Palmer qball197@ix.netcom.com Part 2 of "The Abduction of Quequeeg" "Sir," Scully interrupted impatiently, "Did anyone report seeing any bright lights around here last night or hearing a strange noise?" "Well, yeah, as a matter of fact, several people in those cabins just over the hill reported all kinds of stuff. Flying saucers, lights....I just told 'em it was a wild party and that the Government was paying for it...told 'em to write their Congressman..." "Thank you very much," Scully stalked away, her professional politeness strained, as Fox stumbled after her, knowing that if she saw his laughter he was in deep trouble. "Scully," Mulder began as they rode down the rough road to the camping cabins, "Most people that stay here in the summer are 'city folks' out roughing it. They hear all kinds of things in the woods at night. Did you know that a katy-did can vibrate their wings a thousand time a second producing a noise and vibration that..." "Mulder, what will it take to convince you that Skinner and I saw an alien spacecraft last night...saw _and_ heard it and that it ...." "Stop that car right there!" A figure waving a shotgun appeared in the road in front of the car. A row of small log cabins were just ahead and the road ended a hundred yards into the woods. The man, wearing dark sunglasses, and sporting large, salt and pepper sideburns waved the gun toward the car door. "Get outta the car....slowly." "He look familiar to you?" Mulder mumbled to Scully as he exited the car with his hands held up, "Sir, we're FBI agents, if you'll just let me get my badge...." "Yeah, sure, that's what they all say.....that's a camera you got in your pocket! Never any peace! All those lights last night, they were looking for me in helicopters, can you believe that!" Hands over her head, Scully looked around, seeing the door to the nearest cabin standing open. Squinting, she saw a flash of what looked like sequins on a jacket hanging by the door and heard the strains of music. "You Ain't Nothing but a Hound Dog".... "That's what we're here to investigate, Sir," Mulder tried to placate the man as he watched Scully stare, open- mouthed, at the man with the gun, "If you'll just answer a few questions we can...." "No interviews!" the shotgun waved in the air again, "Get back in the car and get outta here. All I saw last night was helicopter full of snoopy reporters! Loud ones!" Back in the car, Mulder turned to backup and met Scully's glazed stare. "Mulder that was..." "Oh no you don't, Scully! That was a nut! A certified whacko who came close to assaulting Federal agents and that's all he was!" "But, Mulder, there was a sequined coat hanging in the cabin and the...." "Look Scully, there's the picnic area. Do you think you can get back to the area where you found Queequeg?" Fox spoke quickly, realizing that he was beginning to get a headache from this case. "Yeah sure," Scully agreed with a sigh, "We headed off into the woods from over there." "Gee, they sure did leave this place a mess last night," Mulder commented, walking through a heap of empty bottles and cans. "I think there was a bear that came by," Scully muttered, pushing her way through the underbrush, looking around as she decided which way to go, "People left in kind of a hurry." "Well, much as I hate to say it, Scully, maybe the bear got poor Quequeeg and the noise that you and Skinner heard really was a helicopter. Probably the Fish and Wildlife guys looking for those bears." "Wait 'til you see the clearing over the grassy knoll," Scully cut him off and plowed on through the woods, "Then tell me what you think." Half an hour later: "Scully, we've been this way before! We're lost!" An Hour later: "It's just over that hill, Mulder!" Another half hour later: "Scully, we've been over these entire woods and there's not a clearing anywhere! Just what was in those bottles back at the picnic ground anyway? Think there's any left that aren't completely empty?" "There! Just look at that, Mulder. Didn't I tell you! That circle is huge! And look at that burnt area in the center! That's where Quequeeg was when 'they' got him! Now what do you think?" Scully said triumphantly as she pulled another twig from her tangled hair and pointed down into the sun dappled clearing. Squinting his eyes against the sun's glare Fox Mulder saw the area of smashed grasses and the dark spot near the center. "Looks like Quequeeg was running in circles...probably being chased by a bear and then lightening struck the helicopter causing the engine to backfire, leaving the burnt area." She hit him....hard, and stomped back through the woods. September 3, 1996 (Almost midnight) Mulder's Apartment The phone rang, waking him from a sound sleep. "Mulder, it's me. I got a phone call. They told me where I can pick up Quequeeg!" "I always knew the aliens had a phone book," he muttered sleepily, "Probably sent you an e-mail too. Check your computer and call me in the morning...." "I'm on my way over, Mulder! He's at the _train_ station!" An hour later, a tired, slightly ratty looking Pomeranian sat on the front seat of the car watching Mulder and growling dangerously. An exultant Scully was smoothing the dog's reddish fur and murmuring soothing noises. "How come he's never liked me?" Fox said glumly, keeping a wary eye on the small , sharp teeth, "I mean I _did_ go to quite a bit of trouble...not to mention the lost sleep...". "Mulder!" Scully suddenly bolted upright in the car seat, "I think there's something on the back of his neck, just under the skin! Oh my goodness, it feels like a piece of metal!" Mulder glanced around the almost deserted street and then sighed as he swerved the car into a right turn, "We're near the office of the Lone Gunmen, they never sleep. We'll get them to take a look." "Good idea!" Scully agreed readily, causing Mulder to do a double take and almost sideswipe a parked car. "Yeah right, good idea," he muttered and carefully pulled the car into a parking place . "Well, it's definitely a computer chip," Frohicke stared through the microscope, then shot a worrried glance toward Scully. Clearing his throat loudly he buttoned the top button of his shirt and turned back to the microscope. "Didn't you say that you got Quequeeg a special collar to stop him from yapping all the time, Scully?" Mulder questioned, running a hand tiredly though his tousled hair, "Maybe with all the running through the woods somehow a computer chip from the collar became imbedded in his neck and...." Byer thoughtfully rubbed his sleek beard, "Wait a minute, I've got an idea. There's some new software that we just happened to come across on the net. Real experimental stuff. Seems that an animal's retina will hold an image of the last two hours worth of things that it has seen. By doing a retinal scan we can download digital pictures of those images. If this dog as looked at an alien we should be able to see everything that he has seen." Mulder yawned, "Well, hurry up, the two hours is almost up, we picked him up in the train yard at 12:45 AM." Frohicke, darting a look at Dana sidled over toward Mulder, "Hey Agent Mulder," he whispered hoarsely, "You'd better talk to your partner. Every time I see her I think she's coming on to me....and it's getting worse!" "Uh,...right...sure Frohicke, I'll have a talk with her....cool her down, so to speak." Fox rubbed his tired eyes and shook his head, "Why me?" he asked to no one in particular. Quequeeg lapped a bowl of milk placidly while a bleary eyed Mulder alternately kept an eye on the images feeding from the color printer and Frohicke, who was edging father away from Scully. He smiled as he saw his partner's hero-worshipping grin but then realized it was directed at Frohicke, and turned to glare at Queequeeg. " 'Bane of my existence'," he muttered the misquote and then heard Byer's smooth voice, "Now this is really interesting. Take a look." From the reams of images coming from the dog's memory (mostly crooked views of various edible portions of Mulder's legs and arms), there came a picture full of bright light and then, coming slowly from the ink- jet printer, was a picture of an alien. The gray skinned, large- eyed, earless, swollen-headed alien of tabloid fame. "I told you so," Scully crowed, "Now we have _proof_! The truth is out there and we _found _ it!" Mulder was staring at the picture, mesmerized. Suddenly he jumped up and bolted from the room. "If he doesn't come back, there's no way I can take you home, Miss Scully, sorry," Frohicke said hurriedly and moved across the room behind a littered desk. "Look, Scully," Mulder was back in the room in a rush, "This book was lying on the floor of the car. The picture on the front cover is exactly like the one that came from Queequeeg. He evidently looked at this book long enough to get an image from it." He held the book up for all to see, "Aliens In The Attic" by I. M. Nutz. "I think the eyes are slightly bigger in Queequeeg's picture," Byers offered helpfully, but then shrugged, "This software is still very experimental you know, not to mention Top Secret." Mulder waded through the reams of printer paper on the floor and snatched up the dog, "Thanks for your help guys. Let's go home, Scully, you've got Quequeeg back, that's what's important." September 4, 1996 Skinner's Office The report came sailing back across the desk and skidded to a stop in front of Agent Fox Mulder. Scully sat quietly next to him, her hands folded in her lap. "What's the meaning of this gibberish, Agent Mulder. Lightening, helicopters, barking collars.....what about the UFO we saw, and the dog's obvious abduction? What about the _truth_?" Skinner pounded on the desk to emphasize the last few words and Mulder's head pounded right along with Skinner's fist.......... Scully pounded on the door to Apartment 42 and then let herself in. "Mulder, come on, wake up! The picnic is today and you promised to go! I'm not letting you out of it. You decent? I'm coming in!" Fox sat up groggily, and ran a hand through his hair, "Picnic? Oh yeah, the section picnic. Scully, that you?" Scully poked her head around the bedroom door, showing a a big smile, her gleaming red hair covered by an FBI baseball cap. "Come on sleepy head, we've got about an hour's drive to get to the park. I wish poor Queequeeg was still alive, he loved the woods." "Picnic," Fox repeated with a relieved grin and leaned back against the headboard of the bed, "I haven't forgotten about it, Scully, in fact .......I've been dreaming about it all night......." The End (Did I have you worried? ;) )